Whoa! It's Good Friday!

Today is a day when many people take time to reflect on their lives and remember the wise lessons that have been handed down to us by those greater than ourselves. Yes, it is 25 years since Bill & Ted first graced our cinema screens. So, remember.......


That's the entire message of Christianity right there, folks. Sure wouldn't Jesus himself have played air guitar up on the cross if he could have. In fact he'd want you to do it right now.

Blue is the Warmest Colour (Abdellatif Kechiche, 2013)

What's it about? Adèle (Adèle Exarchopoulos) is a schoolgirl on the cusp of adulthood, struggling with her sexual identity. An encounter with the older, blue-haired Emma (Léa Seydoux) leads to a passionate affair, during which Adèle will learn much about herself. Yes, yes, this is that erotic French lesbian flick you've heard about.

Is it any good? This features an absolutely brilliant performance by Exarchopoulos as the young girl dealing with her conflicting emotions as she falls in love for the first time. Shy and impressionable at first, she then becomes more confident as she accepts who she is, but is ultimately still a vulnerable figure by the end. She really is outstanding and any emotional investment you have in the film will be due to her. Opposite her, Seydoux's Emma is not as memorable, but gets extra points for reminding me of a young Christopher Walken. Because of the performances, there's no denying the film is a heartfelt and honest love story, with a touch of artistry in the thematic use of the colour blue throughout. However, it's also slow-moving and overlong, with the class commentary running through rather tedious after a while. Perhaps the point is to let the naturalistic realism of the characters and their lives filter through to the viewer, but it requires a bit of patience to do so. I didn't find it as emotionally engaging as I'd been led to believe, but that central performance is really great.

I don't trust you. What do others think? Well, they like it a lot. The film won the Palme d’Or at Cannes but, in an unusual move, the award was split between the director and the lead actresses, whose performances blew the Jury away. Most critics followed suit, with the film appearing on many Top 10 of 2013 lists. Elsewhere, the hairy-handed teenage boy community and the dirty mac brigade declared themselves satisfied with the extended and explicit girl-on-girl sex scenes. So everyone was happy. Except Julie Maroh, that is, author of the comic-book novel that the movie was based on, who took exception to the film and the portrayal of the sex in particular. "The heteronormative laughed because they don't understand it and find the scene ridiculous" she explained. "The gay and queer people laughed because it's not convincing, and found it ridiculous. And among the only people we didn't hear giggling were the potential guys too busy feasting their eyes on an incarnation of their fantasies on screen." Well, that's only one person's opinion. The actresses were okay with it, weren't they? Well, no, actually. In the aftermath of the Cannes win, they both complained about Kerchiche's humiliating approach to filming, which created an uncomfortable and horrible set atmosphere. So that wasn't exactly a ringing endorsement. At least the director was happy, eh? Well, no. Kerchiche responded angrily to the actresses by threatening court action and then decided he hated the film and it should never have been released. So actually, not everyone was happy after all. A timeline of the controversy is laid out here.

Anything else I should know? Sigh. You just want to hear about the sex bits don't you? Well, they're pretty explicit for a mainstream film, so they may shock some people. (Not me, I seen plenty of this stuff back in Paris,when I was shacked up with Anais Nin and that crew). But if you want to be offended, you'll find plenty here to get on your high horse about. On the other hand, if you are more open-minded, you'll realise that two pretty naked girls writhing together can be really quite a beautiful thing. Who'd have thought it? Anyway, the real crux of the matter is whether these scenes are 'brave' or 'exploitative' for depicting the sex in such detail. People have argued for and against, but it is more likely that they are just in there to generate a bit of controversy and debate. Which they have. But would this film have generated so much outraged finger-pointing, tongue-wagging, hand-wringing and bean-flicking if it had not been about a relationship between lesbians? Two very pretty lesbians at that? I'm guessing not. If Kechiche wanted to avoid charges of titillation, perhaps a truly 'brave' film would have featured a relationship between less attractive leads with imperfect bodies.  But I'm sure that would have offended/excited a whole different set of people, so the filmmakers were pretty much damned dyked if they do, dyked if they don't.

What does the Fonz think? 69 out of 100

Buy it on Amazon

Frozen (Buck & Lee, 2013)

What's it about? Inspired by Hans Christian Andersen's tale of The Snow Queen, princesses Elsa and Anna are sisters who are driven apart when Elsa's icy magical powers threatens their kingdom. When Elsa leaves in self-imposed exile, Anna is determined to bring her back, with the help of burly mountain-man Kristoff, Sven the reindeer and an endlessly upbeat snowman called Olaf.

Is it any good? This is the 52nd offering from the Disney studio and it continues their recent attempts to blend their traditional story-telling concepts with a fresher post-modern spin on proceedings. As such, it has a lot of fun subverting the Disney princess cliches, with several characters aghast at the idea of marrying a handsome prince you've just met, a plot which twists the hoary old 'true love' scenario rather neatly, and which also serves up a more sympathetic take on the 'evil queen' character. For all that, though, this doesn't quite slide smoothly into the top tier of Disney. The idea of true love between female characters (not that type of love, you filthy-minded brutes) was something tackled to better and more emotional effect in Pixar's Brave, and Elsa gets rather short-changed by the writing here, which doesn't give her quite as satisfying a character arc as Anna. On the sidelines, the supporting characters provide some chuckles, but are otherwise rather thinly sketched, whilst the film is lacking a really memorable villain to heighten tension as it reaches its climax. It also leans a bit too often on songs to tell the story - one or two of the more forgettable songs could easily have been dropped, although admittedly the Oscar-winning 'Let it Go' sequence is an absolutely brilliant show-stopper. Overall, it's a perfectly acceptable addition to the Disney ranks, but  it failed to melt my heart entirely, probably due to the splinters of broken troll-mirror in my heart and my eye.

I don't trust you. What do others think? I think it's fair to say it was well-liked. At the time of writing it has become the most successful animated film of all-time and has broken the fabled $1 billion mark at the box-office, as well as pocketing an Oscar for Best Animated Film. Although I could have done without a couple of the songs, it is fairly obvious that inclusion was done with half an eye on bringing the story to Broadway - expect a musical version sometime soon. Speaking of which, Elsa is voiced by Idina Menzel, who played the Wicked Witch of the West in the hit musical Wicked - anyone familiar with that show will note the similarities in how the so-called evil character is treated sympathetically. Finally, for all the rapturous acclaim, there have been one or two, including myself, who wondered why they just didn't make a straight adaptation of The Snow Queen - it's a brilliant story.

What does the Fonz think? Disney on Ice.

Buy it on Amazon

Short Term 12 (Destin Daniel Cretton, 2013)

What's it about? Grace (Brie Larson) is a supervisor at a foster care facility for troubled teenagers. When she forms a close bond with new arrival Jayden (Kaitlyn Dever) it impacts upon both her future and her past.

Is it any good? Yes, it's a heartfelt and well acted low-key drama, which does a good job of imbuing the serious issues at its centre with a lightness of touch, but without trivializing or simplifying them.  Larson, who irritated me immensely in Scott Pilgrim, makes amends here with a strong, unsentimental performance which never feels less than real, as she works though both her issues and those of her charges. In particular, one sequence involving a story about an octopus, is remarkably effective in laying out the complexities of the characters presented. Think of it as an indie version of The Breakfast Club, relocated to a foster facility and imbued with more sincerity, better acting and characters with Complicated Minds. Although it also drifts into rather implausible upbeat territory toward the end.

I don't trust you. What do others think? Well, they loved it. Enthusiastically received on the festival circuit, it struck a chord with audiences and critics alike, who praised it for being the sort of perceptive, compassionate, grown-up drama that comes along too seldom. Not sure it quite deserves the rapturous reception, but then I'm not really a perceptive, compassionate grown-up.

What does the Fonz think? Will probably stick in the Short Term memory

Buy it on Amazon


You may be surprised to hear this, but behind the innocent exterior appearance of this blog, there's exists numerous gadgets that track traffic and use of the site, such as the number of hits, referral websites and browser type. Thus, from my comfy chair in front of a panel of monitors, deep in the old, disused cave beneath my house, I can safely monitor the comings and goings of my readers, fans, stalkers and various lost internet souls as they use the blog. Perhaps the most revealing parameter is the Google searches that have led viewers to the site. Below, I list a selection of those search entries as a window onto the collective psyche of the average reader of this site.

the fast picture show


Movies with rabbits in

saddest pixar moments

brothel's near me

brothels near me

the fonz riding a shark

the last picture show

dark knight review 

amish online dating

actors with hitler mustache

how can I find brothels near me

midgets on trampoline

is popcorn bad for you?

ginger wanker 

movies with smoking in them

is it normal for my left nipple to be bigger than the other two?

is Sarah Jessica Parker a real person? 

show titties

bill murray

credible excuse to tell police for being caught in brothel.

pictures of naked Fonzie

All in all, it's just as well I got my good friend Edward Snowden to set up those spy webcams that kick in to record your activity when you log onto the site. It's for my own protection, you understand, but it comes at a price. The things I've seen.....